


Galaxies

by jupiter_james



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, MEBB 2014, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect Big Bang 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2075226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>My Mass Effect Big Bang 2014 collaboration with art by the amazing <a href="http://maxxiedemon.tumblr.com">Maxxiedemon</a> on Tumblr!</b>
</p><p>Post ME1 fic of Kaidan's covert mission to find Shepard's body after the destruction of the Normandy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Galaxies

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/126617861@N07/14636977829) [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/126617861@N07/14823269772)  
[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/126617861@N07/14637091527)  
[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/126617861@N07/14821265614)  


It's a hard thing, saying goodbye when it's the last thing you're prepared to do. Kaidan Alenko had downplayed that his whole life to the point he was brought to his knees when it mattered the most to stay strong. He'd said dozens of goodbyes in as many ways. To his friends, fellow marines, his family. And though it was never easy, he never felt left behind. Never felt the crushing weight of loss that eventually emptied out to a dull hole that wasn't ever meant to be filled again.

"Maybe," he ventured to Garrus, voice rough with lack of sleep and too many tears held in the back of his throat, "maybe he was the ocean and I was just a stone."

The turian shifted beside him almost imperceptivity, save for the light scrape of armor against the metal bench. "Funny you should say that," he answered without elaborating further.

And perhaps Kaidan didn't want him to say anything else. If he did, the biotic feared the last tenuous strings of his own foolish pride might just snap. He felt it in his bones. One thing. All it would take was one thing. Still, he had to know. Had to hear the end of it because Garrus was the only being in the galaxy nearly as close to Shepard as Kaidan was. Had been. "Why?" he croaked.

Garrus leaned back, turning his face to the alien stars above them. "Shepard said the same thing about you once. Can't say I understand the way you humans think with the strange metaphors."

That's what finally did it. Kaidan doubled forward and cried. Not the pretty kind of tears that made people want to put an arm around his shoulders and pull him closer in sympathy, but the gut wrenching kind that turned gazes away in discomfort. Except for Garrus. He wasn't that kind of guy. He often said that he didn't understand human customs, but Shepard had once mused to Kaidan with humor rich in his voice, "I think he only says that so that he can ignore the rules even more."

But there was no stopping the tears, so Garrus simply waited them out, one arm slung over the back of the bench, staring at the gleaming frigate Kaidan had been put in charge of now that the _Normandy_ wasn't around to connect them all. He sat. He stared. His eyes took in every inch of the ship until he decided that he hated it, and Kaidan's tears ran dry. When the human looked up again, his face was swollen; eyes a gritty red.

"Dunno what I'm supposed to do," the biotic muttered, his voice even more hoarse.

"Care for a suggestion?" Garrus asked, matter-of-factly, as if he hadn't been sitting silent witness to Kaidan's tears for the last ten minutes. As if they were talking about the weather on Noveria.

"Yeah."

Garrus turned his head to face his friend - the only part of Shepard he had left - and he made sure the watery brown eyes watching him weren't about to falter before saying, "find Shepard."

Human faces were funny things. It was times like this that Garrus wondered how he kept losing to the man at poker. Kaidan's thick eyebrows shot up and the gleam in his bloodshot eyes was clearly surprise. "Shepard's dead," he said breathlessly.

Garrus put out his hand and shoved Kaidan's shoulder lightly. "Do you really believe that?"

Kaidan shook his head. "I... _we_ saw him spaced. Venting oxygen. Jesus, Garrus, I could _hear_ his last breath over my comm. You could, too." He shook his head again. And then did it again. Finally, his gaze hardened as he studied the turian. "You have the same nightmares that I do," he said without preamble. "Nothing's gonna change that right now. Only time. Garrus... I miss him too; so much that I feel like I'm drowning, but Shepard is dead." He would have said more, but Garrus's claws digging into his shoulder hurt, so he shut his mouth. Waited for the turian to say what he was _really_ thinking.

"Then how come he's the only body the Alliance never found?" Garrus's voice was almost too low to be heard above the crowds in the docking bay. But Kaidan heard every word. He didn't know they were the very words he'd been craving to hear since this whole mess started, but once they touched his ears, he drank them in eagerly as if they could cure his emotional dehydration.

"You think he might..." he trailed off. Despite the hope flaring to life in his chest, it was still to raw to have a voice or words yet.

Garrus, on the other hand, had been putting balm on his own wound for longer, because he said immediately, "I _know_ he might. Shepard's dead, but I don't think he's going to stay that way for long."

Kaidan almost wanted to laugh with both delight and hysteria. He wanted to say, _come on, Garrus. That's crazy. Do you know how crazy you sound?_ The words stuck in his sore throat. Hardened. Sat heavy until he could swallow them. Garrus watched him, fascinated.

"You know what you want to do?" he asked.

Kaidan leaned forward and steepled his hands under his chin. Stared at the frigate he was in command of. "Yeah," he said softly. "I'm gonna go deep under, Garrus. Take my spec-ops students and go back towards Alchera. I'm gonna find Shepard."

***

The memorial gardens were quiet and calming at dawn on the day he was due to ship out. The night had been cold and a slight frost covered the ground, but his Spectre hoodie was enough to keep the chill away. He stood tall in front of the small metal statue near the large bronze wall adorned with the names of generations of Alliance soldiers killed in battle. 

His eyes slid over the names, not reading any of them, exactly, but simply taking in the sheer number of people listed there. "Hell of a ride, Shepard," he murmured. Hands on his hips, he dipped his head down and focused on a small rock near his left boot. "You're probably gonna laugh at me for this, but Garrus and I had a talk, and I think he's right. I think the Alliance knows something's up with you. I think they're lying. Surprised to hear that coming from me?" The briefest of smiles touched his lips before disappearing. "Bet you are. The whole thing was just too weird, though. Too contrived. This has to be more than the brass just putting us on cleanup duty like they did on the _Normandy_. I hate to think of even more conspiracies and lies, but I have to. Shepard, I have to. You can understand that about me, right? I don't have any closure, and I can't stand that. I'm going to find you and bring you home. I promise you that. It's the least I can do after how much you've done for me."

He stood in the gardens watching the memorial until the sun hit his back and it was time to ship out. He shouldered his duffle and took a few steps towards the doors, stopping briefly and turning back around. "I'll see you around, Shepard. Whether you're alive or dead, I promised I'd stick with you until the end, and that's what I'm gonna do."

Then he saluted and departed the gardens, making his way to the docking bay where his crew of elite biotics students were lined up outside the doors in a neat line, standing to attention as he approached. He looked them all over, feeling a bit of a fraud, never having his own command, and then punched in the master code for the doors on the control panel. They filed into the frigate in groups of five to wait out the decontamination cycle, and Kaidan waited in front of the CIC for everyone to assemble around him. When they were, he addressed them all in an imitation of the calm and clear inflection he'd heard countless times from Admiral Anderson and, later, Shepard himself.

"Welcome aboard the Gettysburg," he began. "I'm sure by now all of you have read your briefs on the specs of this frigate and how she operates. If you haven't memorized most of it, I encourage you to step it up. This ship is the newest in the fleet, and also the only remaining Normandy-class vessel. The layout takes some getting used to, but I'm sure you'll find her a fine ship once you've gotten to know all her quirks."

He crossed his arms behind his back and stood at a parade rest as he continued. "I'm also guessing you've also noticed that you haven't been given advance orders on the training and missions we'll be going on. That's because every mission we have is need to know. And by that, I mean to say that only Admiral Hackett and I have the list. You won't be aboard this ship for long. As soon as I've seen you're ready in real combat and infiltration missions, you'll be cut loose and do what I trained you to do. The training wheels are coming off. But I think every last one of you is ready for what's out there. You're the best of all the biotics I've trained, and I know you'll do me proud."

He stepped up to the galaxy map and called up the spread, pointing the guide towards Alchera. Even seeing it just on the map made a lump crawl into his throat, which he coughed to clear. He didn't even know if _he_ was ready for this, much less his students. However, _they_ hadn't been the ones to see the _Normandy_ burn. "We're going to Alchera," he said. A few of his students immediately recognized the name, and a small murmur went up. Kaidan kept his back to them and pushed ahead. "It's the grave site of my last commission. The _Normandy_ was destroyed right past Alchera's orbit, and we need to get to the wreckage before pirates do. We are to recover whatever information is left intact, and as a personal request, I would like to recover any of the crew's identification we can find. Not only does Hackett want to know exactly how the ship went down, but I would like to offer the families of my old crew some closure."

So far he thought he was doing pretty good not wavering in voice or saying a single word about Shepard. "We'll study the damage and debris path, as well as records or vids we find, and hopefully be able to report in much more detail about what exactly took down such a state of the art ship. Needless to say, this will be a test of your tech and encryption methods, as the intel we gather is going to be critical to the Alliance. If any of it leaks, we won't be let off lightly."

Finally he was ready to turn back to his students. They didn't seem to suspect that anything was amiss, so he mentally thanked himself for being so good at hiding his emotions. "That's the first mission. After this we'll be on to more... exotic locations, so don't think it's all going to be information recovery and recon. Alchera is unpopulated, however, that doesn't mean we won't run into any pirates or scavengers. Nothing we can't handle, I'm sure, but all the same. Stay alert and keep focused. We'll arrive in orbit in twenty hours, so begin your normal duty shifts, and rest as much as you can. We might not have so much downtime soon. Dismissed."

His students saluted, and he them. Then it was the normal buzz and rush of activity he was accustomed to. Kaidan made his way to the cockpit and slid into the copilot seat, feeling more comfortable there than he had anywhere in ages.

"Commander, we're ready for departure," his pilot said.

"Good. Get us out of here and set course for Alchera."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

After docking protocols were finished and they hit open space towards the Sol relay, Kaidan took a moment during the pause in his own duties to send two messages. The first was to Garrus.

 _We're underway to Alchera. Will keep you updated. I don't expect to find much besides wreckage and ghosts, but I'll keep my eyes and my mind open. Thanks for the advice. It was needed, and appreciated._

Then after a slight hesitation, he typed another quick message, not even sure if he was sending it to the right person, or what exactly he was _supposed_ to say. _Liara. I need a favor. It's about Shepard._ His fingers hovered over the haptic keyboard for several moments before he realized he had nothing left to add. He hoped she understood.

"Hitting the relay in twenty seconds."

Since communications would be down until they cleared the relay, he hit send before he could second guess himself further. And by the time they were clear of the relay and into true deep space, a reply pinged onto his omni-tool from Liara.

_I think something's happened, too. Whatever you need, I'll help._

He smiled a little at that. Liara. Never asking questions where he friends were involved. Just doing everything she could to be useful. But she was smart and certainly well-connected. Kaidan had lost track of her for a short period of time when they'd all gone their separate ways, so it had been a pleasant surprise to see her on Illium when he'd docked for minor repairs on a short range transport on his way back to Earth. He'd learned about her information dealing, and not exactly been thrilled to see the hardness in her eyes that had set in after Shepard's death, but they were _all_ different. They'd never be anywhere near the people they'd been just a few months before, so he'd understood, but so had she. They'd embraced and promised to help each other out whenever one of them came calling. And neither of them had just been pouring out the pleasantries. Which was good, because Kaidan suspected that she might be the only one capable of helping him now.

***

 _There are worse places to be buried_ , Kaidan thought as he stepped off the landing vehicle and into the middle of the wreckage on Alchera. He ordered his small landing party to clear the area, and they did quickly. No hostiles. Kaidan radioed back to the _Gettysburg_ for the second team to land. Once the group of ten was assembled, Kaidan addressed them. "Pair up and spread out to the grids I've given each of you. I want pics and vid of the wreckage so command can piece together what happened here. If you find any personal identification for the crew, or valuable datapads, collect those as well. Now, let's get to work. It's fucking freezing out here."

Despite their sweep, Kaidan knew it was probably best to take someone with him to watch his back, but Alchera really felt like a graveyard. So he wandered slowly forward towards the ruins of the galaxy map and scattered parts of the CIC. Damn, but it was eerie. He still remembered the ship being ripped apart as he tried to put out the fires, and could recall with vivid clarity the pieces burning up into the planet's thin atmosphere, but it had all been red then. This... this was all blue. Clean, almost. Virgin banks of snow covered the smaller pieces of debris almost completely, leaving only the large ruins standing stark against the sky. He turned his back on the map and caught sight of something that actually made him smile.

"I'll be damned," Kaidan murmured, walking forward carefully so as not to slip on the ice until he was level with the Mako. He put out his fist and gave the massive front tire a good thump. "Always landing on your feet, no matter how often Shepard tried to flip you," he said with gentle, sad humor. "Guess you can rest in peace, too. You've earned it." He patted the rims before saluting the vehicle and moving away and spotting a nice vantage point up a small embankment that would give him a fantastic bird's-eye view.

He stumbled a few times on his way up the hill, but made it without causing himself any noticeably embarrassing falls. As he crested the rise with carefully chosen steps to the edge of the cliff, prodding the ground to make sure there was rock below him on the outcropping and not just snow, he finally looked up and took it all in. Or tried to. He didn't know what to think as he stared over the scene. It was... beautiful, though his mind immediately wanted to reject that thought. Gnarled hunks of metal jammed into the snow at odd angles and in the wrong places, capped off with the Mako in the center, tall and proud, and looking as if Shepard had never driven her once. He glanced over his shoulder past the outcropping and noticed smaller debris spread over what were probably miles, but the important stuff was here at their landing zone. Under an impossibly still sky with the snow coming down in a straight line; no wind to disturb its trajectory. He watched his crew for a few moments and then turned to make his way back down the embankment.

But before he could step, the toe of his boot hit something metal with a clang. Great. The last thing he needed was to be wading through completely hidden sharp objects. He bent forward, brushing through the snow until he saw the shape of what appeared to be... "no."

Gingerly, he dug both hands down into the pristine powder and lifted Shepard's N7 helmet up to his eye level. This was the one. The one he'd been wearing when he was spaced. Kaidan only knew that because, upon turning it over in his unwilling hands, he saw his own initials stenciled in red right below the N7 stamp. Shepard had wanted to put it on all of his helmets. Kaidan had found him working carefully at the desk in his cabin on this very helmet, and he had showed off his handiwork proudly, saying, "I know it seems cheesy, but this is for you. Having my back figuratively when you can't literally."

Kaidan had laughed squeezed Shepard on the shoulder. "I won't make fun of you. Isn't it a saying that an N7 is too much of a cowboy to be reasoned with?"

Shepard had winked. "Or controlled."

And that had led to innuendos and the feral light in Shepard's blue eyes. Which led to the paint smearing on the logo because it wasn't dry enough for Shepard to throw his undershirt on top of the helmet in his haste to be undressed. They'd made love like actual humans that night, not desperate soldiers. Slow touches and lingering kisses. A week before Alchera. Shepard's hands had been warm and sure. His pulse quick but steady under Kaidan's mouth. And when they'd moved together with long, unhurried thrusts, Kaidan had wished it would never end. That they could do this forever, and he'd kissed Shepard's cybernetic scars as he came, the salt tasting fantastic on his tongue.

In retrospect, if Kaidan had to pick the moment he realized that Shepard was going to dig his way into him completely for the rest of their lives, that would have been it. There were hundreds of other little moments spread out over the year he could point to as parts of the whole, but that night... that night had been something else. Kaidan hadn't known what to do with the sheer gentleness Shepard had showed him, so he'd consumed it and let it eat him from the inside out. He'd let himself finally believe that it was okay to have someone inside his head. His heart. No more barriers and no more caution. He never told Shepard about how he'd been laid bare beyond any experience in his life, but he'd suspected that Shepard had felt the shift, too.

That's what kept him from going crazy from the lonely nights. But now? Here he was standing in the freezing snow as the light faded to purple on the horizon, holding Shepard's helmet in his hands. He wasn't here. Shepard wasn't here. But wherever he was, he was dead. The faceplate on the N7 helmet crumbled as Kaidan turned it over again. He brought it up and pressed the forehead of his own helmet against it. "Goodnight, Shepard," he said softly, before tucking it under his arm and calling his men back to the ship. There was nothing else for them here.

Once back in space, Kaidan sat in the captain's cabin, staring at his terminal, Shepard's helmet on one side, a tumbler of whiskey on the other. He tapped the keyboard for a minute and then opened his email to send the brief findings to Hackett. He hadn't ordered them to Alchera, but he wouldn't question the move, either. _Admiral Hackett, though not ordered to, I called my crew to stopover on Alchera in order to review the wreckage of the Normandy. I realize that resources are tight, but felt the need to make a full report in light of being confronted with the possibility of a new enemy. I am forwarding my mission report as well as photo and video evidence from the site. I am personally seeing to the return of items collected from former crew members to their respective families._ It was the least he could do, really, and he resolved to give the families closure. It was his duty.

Then, on a secure line, he dialed up Liara. She didn't answer immediately, but when she did, the feed was grainy and she looked a little the worse for wear. 

"Are you all right?" he asked with mild alarm.

Liara smiled, but shot a quick glance over her shoulder. "I'm fine, Kaidan. Really. Just... information gathering."

"Where are you?"

"Omega, but I'm leaving this dive soon. Don't worry. I'm safe. What did you find?"

Kaidan shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "Wreckage. Personal items. What I expected. We did a full scan of the site, but Shepard's body wasn't missed. It's not there."

Liara frowned at him a little and opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it. She paused and then settled on, "that's a shame. I'm sorry, Kaidan."

 _That's a shame_?! No, _that_ was a red flag. Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "Is there something you're not telling me? What's going on, Liara?"

Her face pinched in her familiar worried look, but she held firm to her silence. "Nothing. I'm... I can't answer any of your questions right now, Kaidan, but I need you to trust me."

He scrubbed his hands through his hair. "Then give me something to work with."

She was silent for nearly a minute. Then she sighed and said, "I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that Shepard is dead. I haven't a clue where his body is right now, but Kaidan, this is a recovery mission. Not a rescue. Please, let me take care of it."

Kaidan cleared his throat. Forced his voice to stay even. "I know that. Keep yourself out of trouble, all right?"

"I'll try," she answered with a smile and shut down her omni-tool.

Recovery mission. Of course it was. Of course it _had_ been from the beginning. He didn't know why he'd even thought differently for a second. He couldn't stand the thought of Shepard's body floating out in the void for eternity, but... Omega? Why in the world...?

"Shit," Kaidan whispered. "Shit," a little louder. She was looking for Shepard because she thought someone was going to find his body and sell it. The image alone made Kaidan want to scream. But Liara was the Shadow Broker. If there was a single being in the galaxy who could prevent Commander Shepard from becoming a sideshow or a cloned monster, it was her. Kaidan had never prayed before, but his head fell into his hands and he repeated over and over, "bring him home, Liara. Please bring him home."

***

There were worse places to be than on Horizon. It was temperate, the food was good, and when the locals weren't bitching his ear off about the Alliance "aid" ruining everything from the taste of the water to so-and-so's grades in school, Kaidan would have been perfectly comfortable. If he really had been there for humanitarian reasons. If he hadn't been shuttling civilians to the bunkers as fast as possible to save as many as possible while the Collectors raided every building in sight. Those insect bastards thought they'd had Kaidan. But not with his biotics. Not with his determination. That poison that paralyzed the rest of the victims spat from his veins with a ferocious biotic push and a body that remembered deeply how to clear itself of toxins. 

He'd thought about settling down from time to time. Was getting less used to the adrenaline rush pouring though his veins like it was now as he did his duty. Save the people first and then fight. He was going to die here. The AA gun didn't work properly and there weren't enough soldiers to stop an attack this big. But he was okay with that. He was fine. Dying in the line of duty would be an honor, and he sure as shit wasn't going to let the Collectors have him.

But suddenly it was too loud. Too much gunfire for the skeleton crew he'd been given to hold the line here. It took three more trips for him to secure the rest of the colonists before he could turn back to the main compound and join the fray - whatever it was. And by the time be beat feet back to the other side of the town, the battle was over. It smelled of eezo and thermal clips. And in the center of it all...

"Shepard."

"Kaidan?"

Just like he'd remembered. Just like he'd dreamed every lonely night for two years. Kaidan took a deep breath. Let it out. His eyes stung and his heart roiled with conflicting emotions. What was going on? What the hell was going on. He didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to say. Didn't know what to _feel_. But his body didn't give a damn what his mind was dealing with. He was in Shepard's arms and those familiar lips were against his temple. "It's good to see you," Shepard said.

Kaidan gritted his teeth and leaned into the embrace. Wanting it so badly, but... _Liara, what did you do_? He glanced up and saw the woman beside Garrus and it all came together. Cerberus. They'd done this. And Kaidan's heart broke. He pulled back slowly. "You're with Cerberus now?"

And he listened to Shepard defending himself. Heard the words and didn't believe them. No. This wasn't right. It shouldn't even be _possible_. The Shepard he loved wouldn't have been standing in front of him defending a terrorist organization. Wouldn't have been so sure that the Alliance was impotent to help. This wasn't him. It was a Cerberus agent with Shepard's voice and Shepard's memories. Kaidan stepped back and then again. But he let Shepard talk because it was all he could do. He needed to hear his voice one more time. His name said in the way only the commander could say it. But it was all too much. Kaidan heard himself talking and answering questions, but despite the dull anger, he was numb. In shock. He had to go. Had to get away from this nightmare; this imitation.

So when Shepard was done and looking slightly angry, Kaidan let it go. Mentally shut his heart away and threw away the key. He couldn't do this anymore. "Goodbye, Shepard," he said with so much regret it almost choked him. "Just... take care of yourself."

_I wish they'd let you sleep _, his mind added as he turned away to go back to his job. His life. Without Shepard.__

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to the MEBB! I hope y'all like it! It was a pleasure to work with Maxxie again and see her beautiful art on my fic. I always have so much fun with collaborations, so this was a true gem to work on with her!


End file.
